i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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