Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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