White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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