just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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