Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
