I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
