Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
