Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
