And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
What's dad's email?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him