Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
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And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I party with great urgency now.
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