i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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