I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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