It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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