There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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