if only i could text you this smell
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
