I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
