I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
