The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
