I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
