Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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