I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
