The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
