just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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