i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I had to cum in my sink.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
