he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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