I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
