Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
