Someone shit on the floor
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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