They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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