haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
...so i touched it.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He told me they were just razor bumps!
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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