just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
