Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
