New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
