so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
