he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
