If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
