I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
