Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
