is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
