Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
