she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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