My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
