oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
