Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
