You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
