those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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