A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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