Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
