From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
