my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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