I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
