we have pet lesbian snakes
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
