am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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