The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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