I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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