After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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