An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
