We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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