the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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