$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My ass is underappreciated
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The air taste purple.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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