what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
