My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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