I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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