he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
you never un-have a 4some
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
