New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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